A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

.

.

.

Harold and Jane was not a very religious couple but tried their best; they only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, “Harold, it sure would be nice to see you and Jane here more than once a year” “I know,” replied Harold, “We're very busy people, leading active lives but at least we keep the Ten Commandments” “That's great,” the minister said. “I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.” “Yes, we sure do” Harold said proudly, “Jane keeps six of them and I keep the other four”.

.

.

.

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

.

.

.

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

.

.

.

"Be grateful for all that the good Lord had done for you," the minister told his flock. "Surely each of us should give one-tenth of all we earn to the Lord." "Amen!" shouted a particular fervent church member. "I say let's raise it to one-twentieth."